Household Rebranding Agreement Reached

After intense negotiations, the items formerly known as Junk Drawers will now be called Keepers of Miscellaneous Objects. “This name is more reflective of the important service they provide,” says Pancake Flipper Spatula, steward for the Union of Household Matters, “but without the negative connotations and their potential to set this membership back years, if not decades.”

In defense of the name change, Spatula contends, “Even if some objects have been negatively affected by being kept in there so long—for example, Post-it Notes that lost their sticky—there are still plenty of good things stored in the Keepers which can no longer be misclassified Junk. Obviously, those tiny, brightly-colored squares of Paper are still good, or Someone wouldn’t have left them in there during the last clutter sweep.”

The Kitchen Keeper of Miscellaneous Objects agrees:  “The recent cooptation of Junk by Fat was the last straw for us. We felt we had no choice but to petition the union to advocate on our behalf. I mean, a person may have Junk in the Trunk, but Fat would never work out being housed here. We have to ask ourselves, what would that do to the Rubber Bands, Straws, Cooking String, and Turkey Skewers on a hot day?” 

Spatula goes on to say, “This latest Rebranding Agreement is obviously an important and real victory for the Keepers of Miscellaneous Objects and other members, but there’s still a lot of work to be done. We’re sad we couldn’t do anything for Trash Cans this time around—yet again administration wouldn’t budge on this one—but we’re pleased with the progress we were able to make for some of our other constituents.” 

A look at the approved bylaws shows what “progress” looks like:  due to global warming, all Arctic Entries will now be called Mudrooms. Mudrooms, unless they have two separate Doors—one to the outside and one to the House—will simply be known as Entryways, unless the House is over 2,000 square feet, in which case they’ll be called Foyers, a move made easier given that Breezeway has finally retired. At the ratification meeting, Breezeways thanked Air Conditioners for replacing their services, thus allowing them to move even farther south.  

Comforter and Quilt have been replaced by Duvet or, for those smaller than a twin size bed, Throw.  “This change is effective immediately, regardless of square footage,” says Spatula. “Why should people who live in big houses be the only ones with access to the purchasable class that items with French names provide? Of course, this move reopened the whole Bidet controversy, but, thankfully we’ve postponed addressing that issue until our next round of negotiations despite the fact Instagram continues lobbying hard for Butthole Power Washer.”

Other postponements included Great Room vs. Living Room vs. Family Room and Den vs. Study vs. Office. In the latter case, promotions from So and So’s Bedroom to Mom’s or Dad’s Office, Study, or Den are considered legitimate, but, because of the switch to remote work during the pandemic, lateral moves from Office to Study are still quite controversial. Den is on a phased-in retirement plan, according to Spatula, so that’s why this pressing issue has been put on the Simmer Burner (formerly known as the Back Burner) for now.

Speaking of pressing issues, Iron and Ironing Board are still hanging in there despite the Dust and intense pressure to retire, but Pancake Flipper Spatula feels confident the concerns mentioned above, as well as Workout Room vs. Exercise Room vs. Home Gym, can be smoothed out the next time they gather around the Table. 

When asked about the delay in several key decisions, Spatula said, “Some negotiations are tougher than others. That’s just the nature of the job. They all can’t be as easy as Sieve to Colander to Spaghetti Strainer or Davenport to Sofa to Couch, but we’re hopeful most will be easier to deal with than Man Cave and She Shed. Those crazies won’t even join the discussion.” 

The public can view the newly ratified Household Branding Agreement by looking under the Junk Mail on the bottom of the Clutter Pile that Someone put on the End Table.